How to Change People

Have you ever wanted to change someone? Or perhaps thought a relationship would be so much much better if you could just get that person to change? Let’s be real who hasn’t? I think we’ve all wanted to change someone at one point or another, myself included.

So, you want to answer on how to change people or get them to change? Maybe you should lean in for dramatic effect, because here is the answer.

You can’t.

Did I just burst your bubble? I probably did, but then again, don’t we know this? I certainly knew you can’t make people change, but it didn’t stop me from trying for over a decade…

So what are some of the tactics we use to try and get people to change?

Nagging, thats a good, and probably the most annoying. You can probably attest to that if you’ve ever been on the other side, not that I have, of course.

We use guilt. Guilt and shame can be powerful motivators, or at least we think they are. So those deserve honorable mention. But to be honest, they don’t really work.

We use ultimatums. The “this needs to change or else” type of scenarios… Which by the way do we ever really follow through on those?

Lastly, my all time favorite. We try and love people into changing. For all those compassionate, sensitive, light working, amazing people out there. This one is yours. You can’t love someone into changing. Believe me, I’ve had to learn this the hard way.

So before dive into what we can do, I need to ask this first. Because you know me, I’m all about the hard questions.

Why to they HAVE to change?

By the way, this isn’t specific to romantic relationships. It can be family members, friends, or even work colleagues.

So what happens if they don’t change? What if they remain as imperfect as they are, because none of us are perfect, let’s not forget that.

So what if they never change, and remain exactly as they are.

What does that mean? What does that mean for the relationship?

We want people to change because of some ideal that we’ve created about what our relationship should look like. Click To Tweet

Usually we want people to change because of some ideal or fantasy that we’ve created regarding what our relationship should look like. And not that we need much help creating  those fantasies and illusions, but social media and Hollywood certainly don’t help in telling us what our relationships or friendships should and shouldn’t look like.

So what if it doesn’t look like the fantasy you’ve created, is there room for it to be something different perhaps something you haven’t considered?

Now I know how hard it can be to watch someone who’s making bad decisions or neglecting to take care of them self. In which case our motivation to MAKE them change can seem really noble and righteous, but its still not going to work.

People will only change if the motivation is internal. It needs to come from them. Click To Tweet

People will only change if the motivation is internal. It needs to come from them. So perhaps we need to reconsider some of these relationships. Perhaps the most loving and compassionate response is to walk away. To release the other person and the expectations of them.

So perhaps we need to reconsider some of these relationships. Perhaps the most loving and compassionate response is to walk away. To release the other person and the expectations of them.

Now a caveat here. If someone you know is causing themselves harm or if becoming a danger to themselves or others, please seek professional assistance. This isn’t a get out jail free card. We still have a moral obligation to do what we can.

So what are some things we can do?

Well, we can work on ourselves.

I’m pretty sure I just felt you roll your eyes through the computer, but its true.

We can work on ourselves and lead by example. We can work on bettering ourselves, and while this shouldn’t be your motivation for doing so, it might just end up inspiring others to follow suit.

And at the end of the day, even if they don’t, you’ll still be a better person. So I think it’s still a WIN.

Now another reason we try and change people, is because its easier than looking at what’s within ourselves that needs to be changed. Let’s face it, that conversation in the mirror can be uncomfortable, so sometimes it’s easier to divert the focus onto someone else. Because if we can concentrate on changing them, of fixing them, then we don’t need to look at what it is about ourselves that we don’t like.

So instead let’s practice a little self-love. I think when you do so, you’ll come to find that what was bothering you about others, has in part dissolved, and you’ll be on your way to living a much happier and healthier life.

And to support you on that journey, I’ve got a free self-love meditation that you can download right here. No strings attached, just love, from me to you.

Now I’d like to hear from you. What relationships have you been struggling with and who have you been trying to change? Let me know if the comments below.

If you enjoyed this video be sure to give it a like, share it with your friends, and hit the subscribe button. Thank you so much for choosing to spend some time with me today and I’ll catch you in the next post.

Sending you love,
Stay strong warriors.

D.